From a very young age, we are wired to form connections with our caregivers and the people around us. Connection is a basic human need, which is why relationships play such a significant role in our lives. As the saying goes, no man is an island. Connection provides us with essential feelings of belonging, safety, security, and being loved.
Unfortunately, while some relationships are like gold—precious and worth holding onto—others can be toxic and detrimental to our mental health. Many people believe that individuals end up in toxic relationships because they somehow failed to recognise the warning signs early on. For the most part, however, this is a misconception.
From the very beginning of a relationship, people start showing us who they are and what they expect from us. If, from the start, there are things that make you feel uncomfortable or that you find unacceptable, make sure to speak up rather than sweep them under the rug in the hope that they will change later. Instead of addressing these concerns, some people end up accepting red flags as simply part of the relationship, rather than recognising them for what they truly are—warnings.
Having said that, some red flags can be difficult to recognise at first, which is why people may become involved in unhealthy relationships in the first place. Other red flags may only reveal themselves over time. These warning signs can appear in any kind of relationship—not only intimate relationships, but also relationships with family members, friends, and colleagues.
So, what are some red flags?
Red flags are warning signs that may indicate unhealthy or manipulative behaviour.
1. Controlling behaviour
While it’s normal to have differences of opinion in any relationship, it is not acceptable for one person to control the other because of their own beliefs or insecurities. This may look like someone trying to control what you wear, who you talk to, or where you go, even when these decisions are not in your best interest. And even if they genuinely believe they are, the final decision should always be yours and yours alone.
2. Mistrust
Trust is an essential element of any healthy relationship. While it’s normal to have doubts from time to time, these concerns can be discussed and explored within the relationship in a safe and respectful way. Ultimately, a healthy relationship requires trust from both sides.
3. Feeling down in the dumps
Relationships are meant to be supportive. Therefore, if you consistently feel worse rather than better about yourself when you’re with this person, that is an important warning sign. People who care about and respect you should build you up, not tear you down.
4. Physical, emotional, and mental abuse
None of these forms of abuse is ever acceptable in any relationship. No matter the reason. Maybe the person is going through a difficult time. Tough luck. It is still not an acceptable reason to abuse you in any way.
5. Lack of emotional regulation
Everyone gets angry, but not everyone expresses anger in the same way. If you feel threatened or unsafe during an argument with this person, that is definitely a red flag. Dealing with conflict is an important part of any relationship, and you should feel safe expressing differences within that relationship. If someone uses anger as a form of intimidation, that is considered toxic behaviour.
Moreover, if a person demonstrates any form of violence towards anyone, that is a serious red flag. It may indicate poor emotional regulation or a lack of empathy for others.
6. Extreme jealousy
Feeling jealous is a natural emotion that everyone experiences at some point. It’s what we do with that jealousy that makes all the difference. If the person you are in a relationship with is constantly jealous to the point where they make you feel guilty for having connections with other people, that is toxic.
7. Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse and a manipulation tactic. The person makes you question your own judgment and makes you feel guilty even when you have done nothing wrong. This is used as a way of controlling you.
8. Lying
Frequent lying makes it impossible to trust someone. So don’t. Don’t convince yourself that they are only small lies or that they seem unimportant. At the end of the day, a lie is still a lie. Someday, it may become a much bigger one. Don’t let it get that far.
9. Isolating you from family and friends
A person who is genuinely interested in your wellbeing will also appreciate and support your support system. However, if someone is making you question the people you love and their intentions, and in doing so creates strain in those relationships, then that is definitely a red flag.
10. Love bombing
Love bombing refers to someone showing excessive admiration and affection. At first, this can feel amazing. After all, it’s a lot of attention and validation—who wouldn’t enjoy that? However, once the person has gained your trust, the manipulation and abuse often begin. They may suddenly start belittling and controlling you. People who engage in love bombing can sometimes have narcissistic traits or borderline personality traits.
I believe these are some of the most important red flags that can appear in a relationship and that we should never ignore. In the end, asking yourself a simple question such as, “Is this relationship making me happier? Better?” can help you determine whether this is the right relationship for you.